Ahoy there, me hearties! The essay is a nefarious thing. It is an elusive whale of a thing. Man the longboat, get twenty of your finest men, and grab your harpoon. Hove to.

Here is some general advice on essays.

Usually, essays follow a structure. Great essayists, such as Orwell and Bacon, do not always follow these rules. Rules are neither hard nor fast. Good writers do, however, engage the reader. Orwell’s strength, for example, (in my view) was to make the ideas he was putting down entertaining. Humour (where appropriate), clear examples with a simple metaphor and an almost narrational style added up for often both an engaging and informative piece of work. Their work is still on the shelves; the longevity perhaps a testament to their skill.

Understand what is being asked of you. Read the question thrice over and click your heels, but understand it. A lot of people fall down by simply not carrying out what is being asked of them. Here is a small list that might help.

Understand the question

Analyse: Dissect an issue or argument into parts. How do these parts interrelate?

Argue: Create a claim or support a point of view with logically selected evidence.

Assess/Review: How important or significant is the issue in question? What have other people said about it? Based on the above, what is your own evaluation?

Comment on: Mixture of evaluation, assess, and analyse. Ask the person who set the question if unclear.

Compare/Reconcile: Highlight commonalities. What characteristics do they share? How can they be seen in a similar light?

Contrast: Highlight differences. What characteristics are dissimilar?

Criticise: This does not mean disapprove or condemn. In an academic context, it means consider how valid something is, and substantiate you argument with evidence.

Define: Interpret. Deduce. How did you read it?

Describe: What are the significant aspects of the topic under discussion? What are the key events?

Discuss: Similar to argue or comment on.

Evaluate: Form or state an educated view. Present the information and make sense out of it.

Examine: Scrutinize it. Observe the prominent points.

Explain: Clarify. Elucidate, enlighten.

To what extent?: To what degree? How much? How far?

Identify: What are the salient points? Features?

Illustrate: Like describe. Demonstrate.

Interpret: Evaluate. What do you make of it?

Justify/Prove: Defend a point a view. Offer solid evidence to support the reasoning.

Relate/Trace: Explain, compare, the cause and effect. What are the interactions between the pieces of evidence?

Summarise: Identify the key points.

If still puzzled, seek clarity from whoever set the question, or get a thesaurus and dictionary (radical, old fashioned, but startlingly effective).

Present your ideas

The essay structure, of course, will be dictated by the nature of the question. Personal choices will have to be made, but again, the nature of the evidence and how it relates to the question will shape those choices. For example, does the essay follow a chronological order? Perhaps it would be better to follow a conceptual order, where each point constitutes a basis to accept your claim.

There are two common ways to present your ideas. Firstly, state a chunk of facts, then another, and try to draw commonalities, differences, or whatever information you choose to extrapolate from the two.

Secondly, dovetail ideas. State a fact or idea, then a second, and produce a third. This syllogistic pattern usually takes place over a single paragraph, and is favoured for close analysis.

In terms of linking ideas together, essays sometimes follow patterns. For example, some essays are deductive, making an assertion or posing a common view, and providing information for it. Or, they tend to be inductive, facts or observations can be scrutinised, with a conclusion drawn. But enough of the science. Writing a good essay is as much inspiration as it is organisation and an enthusiasm for the subject. A good writer also does their research.

Structuring your ideas in some way will help both yourself and the reader digest what you are feeding them. In this modern age, lecturers and tutors and Joe and Josephine Public like what is rapidly becoming the standard format.

The typical structure is as follows.

Introduction paragraph.

This contains the hook, or whole point for the work. Use quotes, definitions, key terms, highlight an argument, reference the texts under discussion, but always try and make it interesting and leave it in one whole piece, James. If you are writing about Stalinist Purges do not talk about the Cold War, unless it had a direct bearing on what you are about to explain, which it might well do.

Condense your overall idea into two sentences. Sometimes this is called a ‘thesis statement’. If unsure, keep it simple. Simplicity often helps you get a grip on what you are saying. You can always come back to it and spruce it up.

Further, the introduction is specific. It narrows your field to context and specific reasons for your argument. It also defines the work, and what the writer is capable of. You want to show the reader you have thought about the subject and are capable of making informed views. If unsure, keep it simple. Do not try and write Das Kapital in a thousand word essay limit.

Supporting paragraphs.

These blighters are where the arguments are made, and your overall idea developed. This is the body of your work. As is the case, the best modern essays stay focused on the chosen topic. Tempting as it is, do not stray from the path. Bad grades or confusion await to ambush you in the forest. Like most paragraphs, dull as they are, every one of these typically has a topic sentence, supporting sentence and summary sentence. For example:

“It was found in August 2007 most British people resented not being allowed a referendum on accepting the revised European Treaty. An online survey conducted by M.O.R.I. found that 80% of those asked thought the government was treating the voting public like muppets. This, added to the recent inquiry into the so-called ‘cash for honours’ scandal, Prime Minister Brown’s reluctance to hold an early election, and the recent loss of 25 million personal details or families receiving tax credit, mean the current administration is experiencing an all time low in the polls”

Ok, that wasn’t a good example. I’m sure you can do much better. I’m sure you will. If writing an academic essay, you would need to include the sources of the M.O.R.I. survey and the poll ratings to support your claims, to lend it veracity.

Use transition words to create an illusion you know what you are carping on about. If listing, (and there are several types, ie. syndetic or asyndetic) use “firstly…secondly…thirdly…lastly…”. For counter examples of information use “however…even though…nevertheless…” and so on. For additional ideas use “furthermore…also…” and for cause and effect, “consequently…therefore…”. You get the idea.

A skilled supporting paragraph, written by a skilled writer, criticises others information, and is able to draw it’s own conclusions. Emphasising contradictions in other’s claims, and even your own (in other work, if in print) mark ability to discriminate between valid, appropriate information, and spurious, out of date material. You may wish to consider:

Errors in facts or compilations, statistical or otherwise.

New facts that query earlier ones. Sometimes the old ideas are displaced in favour of new ones.

Errors in reasoning.

Mistake in relations between parts.

Mistake in citations of history/origins/development.

Failure to properly identify causal relationships.

What possible biases do they have?

What important points may they have missed?

Also, be aware language itself shapes your views, and that of your reader. Words are your representatives. Coach them well.

Above all, attempt to focus on the salient points in your argument. Write about the important bits first. It is the nature of composition and constructing an argument to go back to qualify a point later.

Summary

Conclude it. Now you are at the end of your voyage, across the frothy brine of ideas. The leviathan now needs to be slain.

You can effectively do this in several ways. Restate how important what you have spent the past one thousand nine hundred and thirty three words banging on about is. Or, make a Nostradamus like prediction of what the future holds.

Equally, end on an appropriate quote. End with an anecdote or even…a joke. You should make sure it is effective. And avoid rude jokes.

You shouldn’t really be repeating ideas you have mentioned earlier solely to demarcate clearly your argument. The reader, poor fellow, has already waded through the swamp; the last thing they want is to have to trawl back through it empty handed. They want a pot of gold or a magic scroll or an everlasting biro. This is the final say, like Jerry Springer, only much less exciting and with less stupid people.

You should not need to further explain much because all the fighting was in the supporting paragraphs. Ideally, link all the ideas up in a big net and tow them back to harbour. Now, what has changed, and what has stayed the same since you have to?

A Note on Style, A few general ideas that may help.

Essay writing tends to be cautious in approach. It does not make sweeping statements or generalisations, such as “America is the best place in the world” or “coffee is best served with one sugar and stirred anticlockwise”.

Essays tend to be formal in approach and style. That is, the language should illustrate your points, not detract attention away from it.

When quoting or paraphrasing, distinguish where you got the idea from. Long quotes deserve their own paragraph, normally indented, where single words or short pieces can be integrated in your own text.

Do not list points, and never, ever, use bullet points or numbers. They will penalise you for this. You should be able to expound your ideas through prose.

A significant problem for essayists is selection of material. Normally you are limited in how many words you can write. Cherry pick prominent points, and if you are lucky they will be appropriate to your argument.

Do not use the first person unless asked to (personal pronouns, such as “I” or “my”). Even informal essays sometimes adopt third person. It just sounds better, and far less egotistical.

Be confident, but never arrogant in your language. Avoid the passive voice (this is true of most forms of writing). Eg. “The Iron Age fort” is superior to “the fort made in the Iron Age”.

The information is presented with accuracy and simple, lucid language. That is, with minimum verbosity. That is, is not too prolix or loquacious. Annoying, isn’t it?

Essays try to remain objective, and open.

Avoid repetition. Above, all, don’t repeat what has already been said.

Essays are sceptical about information and its origins. People always have their reasons for writing stuff. Ask why are they writing it and what are their biases and objectives? Oil companies financing ‘research’ about global warming being a ‘myth’, for example.

Reference ideas. Where have you got your information from? Plagiarist. Do not copy and paste it all from certain encyclopaedia sites. You will be found out. Make sure your references are clear. Preferably, keep a separate file open for your bibliography.

Le mot juste. Say what you mean. Use concrete, specific, unambiguous language.

Keep it simple if unsure. Do not fear short sentences. They are effective and give the impression you are in full command of your faculties. Look at Hemingway, for example.

Use standard methods. Avoid flashy phrases and tired clichés. Purge jargon and ostentatious words where you find them. A good proofread and editing session should reduce your overall word count. Be ruthless in the editing process. Furthermore, avoid colloquialisms and informal phrases. They will undermine you argument.

Do not use bold or italics. If writing in English, use English. Use Latin or French or German only if absolutely life threateningly vital.

Submission guidelines. Check what the marker is after. Look for required text size, word count and word spacing. If in doubt, ask your tutor or whatever villain is making you write the thing in the first place. Reference your sources. Academic essays need references. Find out what system your tutor prefers, or the in house style of the university. It may be footnote, but the current trend seems to be the Harvard system. Always check this.

Do your research. Lazy individuals get caught out with hollow arguments. The marker can always tell, unless you are a gifted liar, in which case you will do well in life.

Do not holly trust the spell chequer. It sew often makes miss steaks. It is up to you to proof read effectively. The screen lies. Print out hard copy of your work and read that, and notice how many mistakes you missed when just reading off the screen. Proof reading improves essays. Get some poor fool to go over it for you. Pay attention to grammar and punctuation.

Be aware of others ideas and how they have informed your own argument.

Things that have worked for me that might work for you.

This probably isn’t the time to say this, but essays have never been my strong point. Most of the time I use the Force and muddle through. Looking back, (hindsight is marvellous, and seldom used) a bit of organisation could have meant better grades. I could have been Prime Minister by now! Not that I am bitter, but I am. The best candidates always seemed to be decisive about what they argued, and started planning in advance, doing the reading well before the composition began. Fair play to them. Everyone else bummed around getting drunk and smoking weed. Fair play to them, too.

This is going to sound controversial, but essays are not all about intelligence. A lot of staggeringly boring people write essays. Many teach for a living. This is because essays are things of structure, meticulous research, organisation and planning. They are not always virtuoso displays of imagination, verve and invention.

For it is the average Joe and Josephine will rarely have an original idea in their entire lives, and when they do, they will infrequently have an appropriate medium or capacity to explore these ideas. A surprising number of people have ideas involving strange things you can knock up in their sheds using the lawnmower and bits of the toaster.

When I sit down and stare at my computer screen, sometimes for days, trying to write an essay, I have picked up a few habits along the way. Some, like how I rub my beard when I think, or lean back on my chair when the circulation begins to cut off all feeling in my arse, will be of no interest. So, here are some that might be.

All my research is on bits of paper. Possibly my whole academic career, and any notion I did any work at university or even attended, is on bits of paper. Make notes beforehand, taking care to jot down the whole reference at the top of the page. From experience, nearly all of it bitter, always write down the whole reference. There is no greater ballache than trawling back looking for references for the bibliography when the essay is long finished.

Keep a blank pad next to the computer. Sometimes, if you are lucky, subsidiary ideas will occur in mid flow and you will forget them if you plough on. So, make a note and come back to them. It is not a unique phenomenon to have ideas inflict themselves on you during writing.

Keep a blank document open to copy and paste paragraphs you might delete now, but need later. Losing work is a profound ballache that is almost, but not quite, comparable to the ballache of writing bibliographies.

I try not to hate essays, or my superiors, too much. There lies madness and bad grades. At least essays are better than presentations. Sometimes I surprise myself, which is nice. Sometimes I almost touch originality. I touch a part of myself. There is a chance you can touch yourself as well, quite within the boundaries of law.

Keep reference books to hand and an internet connection open. I was graduating just as the new wave of computer assignments were floating down the ranks. It is not unfeasible in future for online lectures and discussion. Although technology will be the ruin of humankind, we might as well make use of it while it is not trying to nuke/enslave/absorb/amalgamate/eat/annihilate us.

On that apocalyptic note, fare thee well friends. Observe the link to post your work on the site, and your fellows might give you a few pointers in the right direction. Remember, kids, essay writing is a marathon, and not a sprint. Do not blaze away two thousand words of nonsense just to fill a word count.