All aboard for Captain Clark’s take on arguably the summit of human artistic endeavour.

Now, let me say this is not an easy task. The journey will be fraught with danger; temperamental printers, computers with selective memories, editors blind to genius. So listen closely, pilgrim.

I am no more equipped to tell you what to write than a baboon on acid can tell you about the square root of infinity. Without a calculator. But, here is my brief take on things.

Elsewhere on the internet, taking up a large amount of server memory, are a thousand titbits of advice, mostly from experts who graduated from Quacky Duck University in the Land of Narnia, all barking at you what is acceptable and what is not. One must question the probity of advice on the internet. I mean, anyone could put it up.

Equally, significant shelf space in every book store in the land is taken up with ‘How To’ books. Buy one. They will be filled with clichés about commitment, idea generation and so on. Some are better than others. Most are written by people who are not successful novelists, presumably because they are too busy writing novels or filling the Comment section in newspapers with their unwanted opinions. Here are two that I found useful: E.B. Strunk’s and White’s Elements of Style. A solid founding of grammatical accuracy and an excellent tool to help form. Secondly, Stephen King’s Pulitzer winning On Writing; A Memoir of the Craft.

Most are generalised accounts of narrative form and developing the Idea. This is fine. The nuts and bolts of the endeavour relies on an understanding of language and how stories develop and hold reader’s attention. There are contradictions in the advice. Most claim to speak with a strong narrative direction and voice, and above all with clarity. But what about James Joyce, and others, creating some of the most complex but finest literature ever produced?

Each individual will write with a unique voice. This is a given. You may have to write several hundred thousand words to find the voice, but when you do, and you will know when you find it, it is a sweet day indeed.

Some of the best novels are ones that play with structure and ‘norms’ of form and style. Unless you do this well, you work will not get published. Unless you submit manuscripts according to publishing houses’ guidelines, your work will not get published. One general rule, then, is to play the rules of the game, paying attention to proofreading and clarity.

Creativity we will deal with later. The nuts and bolts come first, a solid foundation. There is no point building a castle with laser guided cannons and eighteen turrets on a foundation of sand.

Basics

Deal with the practicalities first, and treat it seriously. Give yourself a limit each day and stick to it. It is all well and good saying, perhaps at a party, ‘I am writing a novel about a celestial badger called Dave set across the intergalactic time space matrix’ when it is all in your head. Think end product. What is actually on paper or disk? In this life only the tangibles matter.

Save, and remove on separate storage. Countless times thousands of words have been lost due to temperamental technology. If you write on a typewriter or by hand, photocopy duplicates and put them in a safe place, so save for an Act of God your darling will survive. Let me tell you, I have seen adults weep for want of taking a minute to save work properly.

Copyright it. The world is a mercenary place, and there are always those who will steal your ideas for gain. In the U.K., authors assert moral rights over the work as soon as it is written, but you have to be able to prove it, so seal it in an envelope, date it, and post it to yourself. The post stamp will also verify the date. In case of protracted legal battle, break envelope accordingly. If you are one of our U.S. or Australian cousins, get the patent.

Do your research. I hate the jargon, but the idea applies. All writers write to an audience of one, but it helps if that one is represented in a marketable group, preferably with disposable income. There is little point wasting time writing a book that has, in effect, already been written, unless you are a famous writer and can do that sort of thing because your fans want to read your uninspired junk. Editors want to make money out of your work, and so do you. It helps to focus on what people want. If the Idea is original, then good luck.

Write with a purpose. All writing serves a function. Are you writing to argue, persuade, irritate, satirise, lampoon, entertain, scare or give people a little glow in their tummies? What is the object? Identify the need, and satiate it. Most novels, fiction at least, will entertain all of the time in some manner.

Pay attention to grammar and presentation. No editor will look twice at a shabby, badly typed, badly spelt, knocked up piece of work. They are busy people. They read lots and their eyes hurt. Make your prose and presentation easy on their eyes. Use the spell checker.

Get some fool to read it before submission. A second pair of eyes helps. Even one eye, if your neighbour happens to be a pirate, and you have written a few sea shanties in your shed he can peruse. If you ask a loved one, they will say, invariably; ‘well…it’s good,’ even if it is an abomination and should be destroyed in a pit of fire for the sake on mankind. Ask someone who is willing to give the time and a fairly honest observation. Do not ask someone who hates you, because they will think you are odd and probably hate you more.

Creative

This is the tricky one. Creativity is entirely subjective. Again, it depends on your chosen genre and purpose. It helps if you are a bit of an oddball who sees things in an imaginative way. If not, then observe your fellow human beings. Of course, it depends on what you are writing that will shape what you look for in others. A humorous piece may include how people speak. What do they do when asking a difficult question or lying? Are they nice people? What do they say, and how do they interact?

My old lecturer told me to devise some method of storing ideas that come to you. It is the way of things that they (ideas, not lecturers) will arrive when you or on the toilet, or, if you hail from the U.S., the ‘bathroom’. They will (ideas, not Americans) arrive at night in bed, perhaps if you are lucky when making love (incidentally, do not start doodling on a jotter if in such a position-it kills the mood) or eating morning toast. Use the ‘notes’ function on your phone. A chef friend of mine used printer paper and brought them home covered in chocolate sauce. Write them up into a pad after and keep them, because even the most odd reflections can be useful.

How do you get ideas? Where do they come from? Is there any kind of reward scheme? The answer is Imagination strained through Experience, like a chunky soup. Consider possible events, rather than those that have happened. Imagine Kennedy was shot by a second gunman (hmm…wait a minute!) or the Germans won the war or Ringo was really a good drummer.

Pay attention to detail. The detail in stories makes them believable, like a good joke or anecdote. Do not be tedious, sprinkle the ideas lightly but effectively.

Play with language. It is flexible. Bend it a bit. Bend it a lot. Ideas are sprung from it. Language is the basis of society and a large part of human communication, and a novel is a communication of ideas.

Look at the big picture. How does your idea relate to the rest of society? Enough said. Although maybe this will not become clear until the work is finished.

Create the world. What is the setting? Generate a sense of time and place. This is important to realise character motivation and attitude, and the constraints of the story. If it is set in the Roman Empire it is unlikely the hero will nip into Burger King. For the reader, who is normally permanently 50% baffled anyway, it helps them locate and put into context what they are reading about.

Develop Characters. What do these people do? Some writers choose to write a biography of the character’s life up to the point of the novel to clarify, at least in their own minds, who they are writing about. It helps to know how your character would react if being chased down the road by a giant metallic orb. Would they laugh and see the funny side? Would they get mown down like so much grass? Would they make a pithy comment, leap to one side, blast the orb with a laser and save the world and go and make love all night long? Only you can answer that one.

The Idea. This has to be good. Some writers know what they are writing from the start. Others do not have any kind of plan, and just pit their characters against the events that unfold. Sometimes this can have productive results, and other times it does not.

Idea generation. A lot of silly advice is out there, like standing on your head to get blood to the brain. Writing a stream of consciousness on a page is effective. Another good plan is to sit and look inot the white infinity of the blank paper for a while. You will write something eventually. This is what my partner in crime, King Tom, in his own patois, calls writers block. Just write something down, anything, and I promise the ideas will come. Obviously this promise is not legally binding.

Well, there you have a very quick take on things. I don’t pretend to be any authority on it, but if it helped, then great.

Lastly though, novel writing, while being infuriating, is undoubtedly a joyous thing. Just enjoy it, and from your enthusiasm will spring all manner of little things, be they hairy and threatening or cuddly and sweet. The structure will come if you work at it. It will make sense at the end.

Coming from a cynical bastard like myself, you may shake your head. But listen. Come closer. Back up a bit. That’s better. Now forget everything I have just said and write what the fuck you want. Just remember, the voyage is long and wearisome, but seldom boring…”